Don't talk bad about Mindy's Dave
by janzen222
Summary: Dave was late again. Mindy groaned at her stupid boyfriend while she had a cigarette to entertain her. That is until something more entertaining came along. Now what could entertain Hitgirl more then watching something burn? Simple some dumb blonde talking shit. Warning 100 curse words. If you are a priest you may faint at some of the language. Kickass/Hitgirl all the way!
1. Chapter 1

Mindy sat on the bleachers of her school with a lit cigarette in between her fingers. She watched the smoke float by, while she waited for Dave to hurry his slow ass up. He couldn't say a word about the object between her fingers because he knows that's what she does when he's late. "Damn it Dave! I swear to god if you don't get your fucking ass over here soon, I'm going to shove my foot so far up your ass, you'll taste the bottom of my sneaker." She growled to herself. She put the cigarette to her mouth and took a deep inhale of the smoke as a group of nicely dressed girls walked by her.

Some were giggling like crazy while the others talked. She scoffed and turned her gaze away from them. "Dumb fucking preps." She muttered under her breath as the smoke exhaled from her mouth. "Um excuse me?!" A young blonde with a shrill voice exclaimed. Mindy cocked an eyebrow before turning her gaze back to the girls. "Did you like um, just call us 'dumb fucking preps'? She asked using quotation like gestures.

Mindy merely flicked her halfway cigarette towards the blonde. The girl shrieked as it came at her. Mindy smirked as it landed right in front of the dumb blonde. It was a waste of a perfectly good cigarette but she didn't smoke because she enjoyed it. No she smoked because she got so damn bored when Dave was late for their meet ups. But she know found something that was more likely to entertain her while she waited for Dave. "Wow blondie, scared much?" She asked sarcastically. The blonde turned her attention to Mindy and glared her hardest glare which only made Mindy laugh.

She had faced ruthless criminal bent on either killing her or violating her and this dumb bimbo thought she could scare her? Mindy found that pretty damn funny, which is why she had no qualms about sharing her amusement. The girls behind her attempted to glare at her as well and pretty soon Mindy had broken out in full out laughter. "Ugh, I don't know what Dave sees in you, you worthless little whore." She shrieked causing Mindy to clamp her mouth shut.

"What was that you dumb blonde bitch?" Mindy asked all amusement lost. "You heard me, you fucking dirty ass whore. We all know you've been around the school a time or two. I mean your probably more used then Mr. Thompson's door nob." She proclaimed puffing out her chest. Mindy narrowed her eyes as she hopped off of the bleachers. "That coming from a slut, who's so desperate for a fuck, that they not only fuck the neighborhood dogs but her friend's donkey?" Mindy asked stopping right in front of the girls.

"Wow only someone as fucked up as you, would even think something like that." The blonde replied crossing her arms over her chest. Mindy pulled out her cellphone and did a few things. "Fucked up? Well at least I'm not knocked up like you are." Mindy replied rolling her eyes. "What?!" The girl shrieked. "That reminds me; is the father one of the guys you did on the hockey team? Or did it happen when you were getting gang banged by the football team. No don't tell me, it was when you kidnapped and raped the chess team. Because let's face it the only guys who don't wanna fuck you, are the ones with at least half a brain." Mindy questioned causing the blonde to growl loudly.

"I'll have you know, I've only slept with ten people my entire life." The blonde replied as if that was something to be proud of. "Only ten huh? What's your next goal 100 by the age of twenty?" Mindy replied completely sarcastic. "You fucking little bitch. I don't see what Dave even sees in you. Oh ya that's right, he's a fucking nerdy ass bitch who can't get anyone his own age, so he seduced whore younger then him." The blonde snapped back. Mindy growled, she could talk all the shit she wanted about her. But no one talks shit about Dave and gets away with it (except for her but that's beside the point).

Mindy raised her hand up and slapped the girl right upside the head, knocking her to the ground. "How's that you dumb bitch?! You can talk all the shit you want about me, but the moment you bring Dave into is the moment, I get fucking serious." Mindy stated in such a deathly tone that the other girls backed off a little bit. Mindy leaned forward where the girl looked in shock.

"So get back to your fucking street corner before I tear you a new snatch so fucking big, you won't be able to get an orgasm from a dog or any other poor creature you decide to fuck." Mindy snapped at the blonde. The blonde was obviously stupid because instead of backing away like she should've she decided to open her mouth once more... big mistake. "Well at least my boyfriend wouldn't leave me, if I actually was knocked unlike your pathetic excuse for a man." The blonde replied as Mindy got a deadly gaze in her eyes. "Ahhh hell no." Mindy proclaimed before leaping on top of the bitch. I'm going to skip this next part because what Mindy did to the blonde was something that should never be documented... ever.

Ten minutes later Mindy was dusting off her hands when Dave finally arrived. "Hey Mindy, sorry I took so long. The guys at the chess club were talking about some guy who apparently had a few nude pictures of you and was selling them. I ended up throwing the chess board and chasing the guy down." Dave explained rather quickly. "He had nude pictures of me?" Mindy asked raising an eyebrow. "Don't worry he doesn't need a visit from akbear or whatever you call the thing. I took care of it personally." He replied with an easy going smile. "Your so gonna tell me his name when were out on patrol tonight. He's going to get an ass kicking by Hitgirl personally." She replied as he chuckled already knowing that it was going to happen.

"Alright, but first I do believe I owe you icecream." Dave said holding has hand out for her. Mindy smiled shortly taking it in her own. They walked a few feet away before Dave stopped and sniffed the air for a moment. "What?" Mindy asked obviously impatient. "You smell like cigarettes." He stated shortly. "And? I always smell like cigarettes when your late." She replied just as short. "Ya but you smell like you only smoked half. Did you find something else to entertain yourself or something?" He asked as she internally wondered how a full and a half cigarette smelt different. She smiled briefly before pulling him head. "Ya something like that." She replied as groans were missed by the young couple.

Behind the bleachers laid a dumb blonde beaten near bloody with a trash can over her head. She groaned as the young couple went off for some ice cream before their nightly patrol. A few hours later Kickass and Hitgirl climbed into Mindy's room via window. "Mindy are you sure, your alright?" Dave asked removing his mask. "Yes Dave for the last time. You need to get that dildo out of your ear. I said I'm fine." Mindy snapped taking off her wig and mask. She had a large cut on the side of her face curtsy of the MothaFucker. Needless to say he didn't get out unharmed. In fact he had two broken legs and a dislocated arm, curtsy of Kickass.

Mindy slipped her outfit off not bothering to care if Dave watched or not. The two had changed in front of the other enough times that they were oddly comfortable with it. Add in the fact that their dating and it made it much less awkward. Dave proceeded to do the same. Mindy changed into a pair of blood red pajama bottoms with one of Dave's large t-shirts. Dave in turn changed into a pair of blue jeans and a black button up shirt. He grabbed his brown leather bomber jacket and pulled it on(just because they look awesome!).

While he did that Mindy climbed into bed and under the covers. "I don't see why you bother having your own place. I mean you practically live here, why not just talk to Marcus and make it official. I mean seriously it's a twenty minute walk from here to your house." Mindy muttered as Dave shot her a bright smile. He walked over to her bed and sat on the edge. "My answer to that is simple. I like being able to stay in your room just the two of us. I also like my left nut." Dave replied with a short chuckle. "Oh you know, I wouldn't let Marcus touch my balls." Mindy replied causing Dave to chuckle once more.

"I know you- wait did you just say your balls?" Dave asked completely caught off guard. "Ya. Their technically mine." She answered smuggly. "And how is that?" He questioned as she smirked. "It's simple really. I own you meaning I also own your balls. Case in point making them my balls." She explained simply. He looked down before making eye contact with her for a moment. "I don't see your name on them." He replied as she grinned evilly. She grabbed the nearest marker and had a small smirk.

"Well I'll have to change that won't I?" She asked as he raised an eyebrow. "Are you seriously going to write your name on my balls?" He asked as she shook her head. "Your right." She began putting the marker down before pulling out a tattoo needle from god knows where complete with black ink. "A tattoo is much more permanent for marking my balls." She finished seriously. Twenty minutes later and ten minutes of screaming later Mindy had successfully put her name on Dave's or really her balls. Five minutes after she was laying down drifting off to dream land. Dave smiled gently pressing his lips to hers for just a moment.

"Dave." She mumbled half asleep. "Yes my beloved Hitgirl?" He asked softly. She was to far into the realms of dream to snap on him about the comment so instead she asked a question. "Would you leave me if I became pregnant?" She asked holding her ak-47 bear close. "No, I would never leave you Mindy. I love you to much." He told her stroking a few stray hairs out of her face. "Good." She replied snuggling closer into her bear. "What makes you ask?" He asked knowing this was the only time he'd get a truthful answer. Dave could rarely get a truthful answer out of her on a good day while she was awake, she on the other hand could have him screaming the truth like the bloody Mary in seconds. So he was smart enough to take advantage of the situation.

"Some slut at school. Don't worry about it. I took good care of her." Mindy mumbled away. "Name?" He asked suddenly very curious in the situation. "Blondie Blowjobs or something." She mumbled before digging her face into her teddy bear (not that she wouldn't kill anyone for saying it was). He knew exactly who she was talking about within moments. Blonca Blowhearts, a preppy little girl who liked to sleep around with the captains of various teams. He knew that Mindy had probably taken good care of the girl like she had said but Blonca was about to learn that you don't talk bad about his Hitgirl and get away with it.

He stood up to walk out of her room, so he could head home when he heard Mindy mumble something he would later tease her about later. "I want a baby." She said as he sweat dropped comically. "Maybe in a few years." He whispered before exiting the room. He then took out his cellphone and dialed a number. "Hey dude. It's Dave. Ya, I'm calling about that favor you owe me. You still got those forty foot pythons? Awesome can you deliver one to a certain blondes house? Ya I'll have her address for you tomorrow. Thanks dude." Dave said into the phone before snapping it shut.

Blonca was going to get a very special surprise in a few days one that would be _**k****iller**_. Hey just because he's a hero doesn't mean he doesn't get pissed off, and Blonca was going to learn it that hardway you never mess with Hitgirl without receiving Kickass's wrath. Just ask Mothafucker after he cut her cheek.

_Alright first part of the two shot is up. This is only going to be a two shot because I've never written a kickass story and my other stories are in need of updating which will be put off until later. Next time Kickasses revenge and Mindy's secret desire hehehehehehe. Alright that's all for now Ja Ne. also please say if i got the characters right._


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning this chapter is no where near as volgure as the other one. It is still funny but it is more lovey dovey. You have been warned...**

Dave leaned against his locker waiting for Mindy. It had been a few days since the incident and he had taken care of everything he deemed necessary for payback on Blonca for what she said to Mindy. OK so, maybe the forty foot pythons were a little too much and maybe the mime he had paid to follow her around for the next week was a little over the top as well, but one thing was for sure. The fact that made sure that almost every man in the city had seen a special flyer he had made himself. Sure it was probably overkill when added to the others but he was pretty damn happy. He watched as a bruised Blonca walked through the hallways. Her phone went off and she put it to her head. "Hello?" She asked before scrunching her face up.

"Oh my god! For the last time I will not suck your dick." She screeched into her phone before gagging in discuss to the callers response. "No, I will not fuck your pet horse while you watch. You god damn(**1**) sicko." She exclaimed ending the call. Ok, maybe overkill was a little bit of an stretch. It was more like complete annihilation to her social life. He smirked at her conversation. He looked down at his watch, it was four-thirty two. Mindy was supposed to have arrived two minutes ago and she was never late for anything. Well except for shark week but luckily she was just late and didn't miss it. Because watching sharks eating small animals was one of the few things they did as a couple.

Not to say that kicking MothaFucka's ass wasn't a fun thing to do as a couple, it just wasn't their idea of a date. He briefly pondered how watching small animals being eaten was more romantic then kicking ass. He was in thought when Mindy decided to walk over. "Hey Dave." She said tapping him on the shoulder which caused him to jump(hey just because he's a superhero doesn't mean he doesn't get surprised). "Wow, jumpy much?" She asked sarcastically. "Oh hey Mindy. Sorry I was just thinking how watching sharks eat small animals is more romantic then kicking some ass." He replied rubbing the back of his head.

She rolled her eyes. "It's obvious, you've finally gotten out of your whiny little bitch phase." She explained as he nodded. "You know if anyone else said it I'd probably be a confused but for some reason hearing it from you, it makes perfect sense." He replied with a small smile. "That's because I'm always right and you're smart enough to have learned by now." She answered as if it was a well known fact. He couldn't argue with that logic so he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and led her towards the exit. "So what time you wanna go on patrol tonight? I know you said you had something to do and wanted to check beforehand." He stated as they strolled out of the school.

"Hmmm. Well I want to go around seven but it may be later depending on how long it takes." She answered as he raised an eyebrow. "You never did tell me what your doing that is so important, I'm not allowed to even know about it." He replied curious at what his Hitgirl was planning. "Keywords; your not allowed to know." She answered with a small smirk. "Oh come on at least give me a hint." He muttered as she looked to actually think about it for a moment. "Alright it involves a stick." She said smugly knowing it wasn't much to go on. Sure Dave was smart but even he wouldn't be able to put it together from just one word. Now if she had said a location or anything else involved he would've knew it instantly.

But depending on how her plans went, would decide if she even decide to tell him. "Seriously a stick? Come on throw a guy a bone." He pleaded as she looked around for a quick moment seeing they were in the middle of a park with no one nearby. "I would but I don't see any guys nearby." She quipped which made him roll his eyes. "Alright so possibly seven or later?" He asked to confirm the time. "Yep, also I need you to pick some stuff up before you come over." She said flatly. "Stuff?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. She pulled out a small piece of paper and handed it to him.

He looked it over and read it outloud. "A box of Dave's favorite tampons?" He asked puzzled. She merely smirked at his reaction. "Seven pieces of plywood. A gallon of chocolate icecream. Chocolate sauce. Four large two litters of soda. A baby blue blanket along with a hot pink one." He read off more and more puzzled. She pulled out a small wad of cash. "This should be enough to cover everything." She said as he hesitantly took the money. "So do I even want to know what this is all for?" He asked as she smiled slightly.

"You'll find out when you come by tonight. Also you don't have to worry about that guy selling any nudes of me. I threatened to pop his balls with a paper clip if he so much as looked at another naked picture." She answered as he sighed. "Alright I'll be at your place at seven." He said not bothering to try and find out what the items were for. Because knowing Mindy she could kill a guy with any of those objects, yes even the tampons. "Good. Now i need one more thing before you go shopping." She said as he unwrapped his arm from her.

"And what could that be?" He asked as she grinned evilly. She grabbed him by his collar and pulled his head down, pressing her lips to his and initiating a passionate kiss. She bit his lip ever so lightly before she released him. "Now get to it." She said pushing him away playfully. Dave merely nodded and went to run her errands.

Two hours later, Dave walked into Mindy's room with all of the objects in hand. He suddenly was all so grateful for his and Mindy's training sessions, otherwise he would've never been able to carry all of the objects with out falling over. "Mindy?" He asked seeing an empty room. "I'm in the bathroom. You got all of the stuff?" She asked from the bathroom. "Ya. You going to tell me why you had me buy all of this stuff yet?" He asked setting the items down next to her bed.

"Ya, just give me a moment." She called out from her bathroom. Dave sat on her bed while he waited for her. He began to think of any explanation for the need of all this stuff. Maybe they were gonna repair something in the house and then eat icecream and drink soda afterwards? But that still doesn't explain the blankets she had him buy. Maybe so they wouldn't strain their legs from crouching down while their repairing whatever it is their repairing? Ya that sounds logical. Suddenly he was broken from his thoughts by a loud and strangely happy squeal that came from the bathroom.

He was up in an instant. Hesitantly he walked over to the closed door and knocked three times. "Mindy, you alright in there?" He asked bewildered at the sudden squeal. She door flew open and there standing in front of him was Mindy with the biggest smile he had ever seen her wear. She held something small in her hands but he didn't get a good look at it because his girlfriend of two years flung herself into his arms. "Um Mindy, are you ok?" He asked hesitantly. She wrapped her arms around his torso as he did the same. "Never better dickface." She answered happily.

Without warning she reached one of her hands up and pulled him down for another passionate kiss like before in the park only stronger. After about a minute they pulled apart for what most people call 'must needed air'. "Alright, so you gonna tell me what your so happy about and why you had me buy all of this stuff?" He asked motioning to the items by the bed.

"This is what I'm so happy about." She replied holding out the object so he could see it. In her hands was a pregnancy test. Now if that wasn't shocking enough it was a positive pregnancy test. If it weren't for the fact he was the most kickass male superhero around he probably would've fainted. "Y-y-your pregnant?!" He exclaimed thoroughly shocked. She nodded happily as he began to piece it together. The tampons were in case she wasn't, the ice cream was most likely for both cases along with the soda. The blankets were obviously so that she could already have them, but one thing still didn't make any sense in his mind. "Ok. I get what most of the items are for but what about the plywood?" He asked his mind not able to find any possible reason for having them.

"Oh that was incase I wasn't then I'd unleash all my pent up anger and demolish them. In fact I don't see any reason to waste them." She explained wiggling out of his loose grip. She walked over to the boards and tossed them up into the air and with a few quick punches destroyed them(well really just punched them in half. but she would kill me if i don't say she demolished them.) Dave just stared in shock still in shock over what had just happened. "Now you can put your tampons in later Dave, but for now we need to celebrate what took me over a year to accomplish." She said grabbing the soda and ice cream.

"A year to accomplish?" He asked in shock. "Yep been trying to get this result for a whole year, was negative every time though." She explained happily. He was just shocked. They had only been going out for two years. Back when she was twelve and by the time she was thirteen she was already trying to get pregnant. That explains all of her attempts and getting him in the bed every chance they got(not that he minded one moment of it). "Damn it. I should've expected it when you said you wanted a baby while half asleep." He groaned walking over to her. "Oh come on Dave get the dildo out of your ass and let's celebrate." She snapped at him pulling out two spoons(Loony tunes rocks btw)

Dave sighed and took one and soon they were deep into conversation while eating ice cream(slowly of course to avoid brain freeze) and drinking the large amount of soda. Three hours later they both laid in her bed, Mindy half asleep while Dave laid wide awake. She was laying on his chest while he had an arm wrapped around her. He sighed and wondered what the hell he had gotten himself into when they started going out two years. Apparently she had already set up an appoint at the doctors and would be going just to confirm it. He wasn't worried about being a father though, no what he was worried about was expected much sooner.

Yes he was positive that he would be missing his left nut or well Mindy's left nut by the end of the month curtsy of Marcus later on. He rested a hand on her stomach and made a mental note to make sure Blonca got a little extra payback when he awoke. That and the guy who had the nudes of Mindy. Oh yea what they had happen to them was only the tip of the iceburg for what was to come because it was one thing to mess with his Hitgirl it was another to mess with his pregnant Hitgirl. He almost felt bad for them, only because he's supposed to be a hero ehhh but who cares. He placed a hand on her yet to be swollen stomach and smiled gently before falling asleep.

_alright my first Kickass Fanfict is complete. I don't think I did too bad of a job. Got a rude little girl as my first review and and a cool dude or dudette for my second. Thanks for the review Oreo. Now I hope you've enjoyed yourselves because now I've got to find some Dr. Pepper for my writing ritual. Novels don't write themselves you know. Ja ne_


	3. STOP SOPA!

**_Alright everyone I had to break it to do you but this is not an offical chapter. What this however is an important annoucement. Ever heard of SOPA? Well guess what it's back again. Ya, I thought it was dealt with last year as well. Guess I was wrong. Well looks like we get to stomp it down again. Now I'm normally not the type of person to get actively involved with polticts or do anything that risks my fanfiction account, but I'd rather risk my fanfiction account then serve federal time. Yep you heard me right, if SOPA passes me and the rest of the writers on here could potentially face federal time. That's not all, if you use any similiar concepts to say Harry Potter or any other already published book and post it online, guess what. You could be potentially serving jail time as well. Now if your not screaming what the hell already, then do it now my reader. _**

**_Now the only way I can think of to fight this is to sign a petition, I'll be posting the link at the end of my ranting. Now before you go on thinking oh it's not that big of a deal, imagine this: eight yearold children facing federal time just because they wrote a few one shots or a story or two. Yea that's right it doesn't matter what age you are, if this thing passes were all screwed. So join with me my readers, we must stop this outrage. We must remind the government that they are for the people, not just the rich ones! Do not let SOPA pass or it will be the end of FANFICTION. We cannot let this happen!_**

**_This is the link, simply remove the spaces to go to link. Also I will be posting the link on my profile for further information._**

**_petitions . whitehouse . gov / petition / stop-sopa -2013 /LMzMVrQF_**

**_or just go to _**

**_petitions . whitehouse . gov and then search petitions. Search sopa then click STOP SOPA 2013._**

**_Remember people the fate of most fanfiction writers lies on you!_**

**_IN other news, the new chapter of Oath will be out this weekened, would've been out yesterday but wasn't feeling up to it. In fact I'm still a little delirious xDDDDD_**


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